How can I choose a topic and write an article worthy of being the first one on this blog? There is so much I want to say. I want it to be perfect.

And so this post is imperfect. Perfectionism is something I have struggled with as long as I can remember. I wanted to organize information in the perfect way. The order of topics in textbooks, the lack of full information and explanation in sources, and the ways of doing things un-natural, all irritated my core. My mom tells stories of my obsession with organizing toys at 2 years old (that did not carry over into adult life housekeeping…).

Further, I wanted to find the perfect way to live. The most complete patterns of health, learning, and faith…body, mind, spirit. I wanted all of the information in the world so that I could become perfect.

I sought God through perfection. Because God wants us to be perfect, right? Isn’t that the point of first the law and then the Holy Spirit’s conviction? Isn’t that his plan for us? Since He made the world perfect and it was our sin that brought imperfection, absolutely we should strive for perfection.

Or so I reasoned.

Ask and you shall receive.

My thought process was actually highly developed from this belief. I would ask for knowledge of the truth and seek it out. The imperfections in every thought process from science to health, politics, and even modern and historical perspectives of Christianity jumped out at me. I would reconcile inconsistencies by looking deeper on how they connected always coming to greater conclusions.

A book called The Fallacy Detective and it’s sequel also helped me develop my radar for recognizing errors in in pure logic. Acupuncture and meridian theory and how it blends with modern science helped me see there is actually a fundamental nature to the universe. The fact that those principles (every single one) were confirmed in the bible deepened by faith and also

I was ready to know the perfect way of life and every source gave me some piece of information. The bible seemed to be a masterpiece of hidden wisdom.

Logical surgery.

As I deepened my knowledge of truth and reason, however, my application was sorely flawed. I began cutting away at others and myself.

The speck in their eye.

Truth is a good thing, but when perspective is out of balance it leads to judgment. I easily saw errors in the logic of others and how I thought they should actually think. And I did without too much reserve. I wanted everyone to know what perfection could be whether it applied to them or not.

The log in my own.

As I looked further, I saw my failure to apply my own belief systems properly in my own life. In retrospect, I know that it was this subconscious thought all along that led me to disrespect others. If I could see my own errors, I made sure they knew that they had them too!

I hated myself for the imperfections. Guilt was an understatement. I had built these ever perfecting rules, but there were so many. And I failed at almost all of them. I couldn’t let others see it. I hid it away as best I could with a defensive attitude and sharp accusations back.

Hypocrite was an adequate term: one of the most terrible things a person could be. I should slice through that also.

The paralysis of perfect.

All of this surgery left me unable to move.

When it came to creating my own content in a plausible, reproducible form, I froze. I knew I didn’t have it “all” figured out yet. What if other people found the errors and holes in my logic. And with my mind trained at scouring for these inconsistencies, I could easily find them myself. Plenty of them.

As I wrote a sentence I saw all of the ways it could be critiqued… “Do you have research to back up that view?” “You used the wrong term for this. It would more accurately be…” “You are using an analogy that doesn’t fit 100%”

I couldn’t write anything. I stopped giving advice and critiques of others so quickly, and mostly just when I thought genuinely helpful or was asked. And I always added qualifiers, “It depends.” Because it does. How could I ascertain every line of possibility and account for it?

Even in my own life, I lessened. The more you do, the more you mess up. And I had created this great persona of who I should be, what if I couldn’t match up to that?

How big of a disappointment must I be to God?

Wait? I haven’t consulted his actual opinion of this. I logically concluded He desires perfect. He showed me what perfect could be. Was my original construct a fallacy in itself?

The actual truth.

Every time I talked to God, He always told me how perfect I was to Him. However, I knew that couldn’t be true. I would look at my hypocrisy and conclude that God was wrong.

At last, my heart broke. My mind would justify my feelings one minute, then logically conclude I was a terrible person the next. I ran out of answers. The questions kept piling ever higher.

I finally proclaimed my inability to lose or even decrease my imperfection. To myself. And to God.I said I’m sorry for not being perfect. God said, “I’m not.” I said, “I

I said, “I’m sorry for not being perfect.” God said, “I’m not.”

“You are already perfect,” He said. “Because I am what makes you perfect. Without your imperfections, you would have no journey. No life. And my plan for you is a great and abundant life.”

Life is in the imperfections.

Overcoming obstacles and adapting is the growth process necessary for life to be, well, life. I am slowly learning that. I am also learning that people only critique what they feel threatened by themselves because we are all imperfect.

Imperfections are what make us who we are. They keep us humble. They are what guide us toward the Savior.

Ironically, one of my biggest imperfections was that of perfectionism.

To be honest, right now I’m thinking “Wow, this post is too long for a blog. I should edit it.” Further, I’m seeing the Search Engine Optimization plugin saying it “needs improvement”. Too many passive voice sentences, etc. Rather than making it completely perfect, however, I’m gonna let it slide because this is what I needed to say and how I felt compelled to say it. [Edit: And in the end the readability was rated “Good” without me changing it. Just keep going.]

This blog is, in part, my rehab from perfectionism. I do not have to have every category pre-thought. I can post as things are pressed upon my heart.

As posts, ideas, and categories unfold, I will not be perfect, perfectly organized or without all possible misinterpretations of the readers. I wish I could be.

I admit that I do not utilize truth to its full extent in understanding or application. The depths of every topic cannot be understood by the mind of mankind. But I hope that you will see the purpose of those imperfections. They make us who we are and give us a life to live.

We should all strive to improve ourselves and help build and strengthen others. But we need to do it through God himself, not just law.

Because He is the only way to perfect these imperfections, and to Him, your imperfections are perfectly part of His plan.